Monday, March 26, 2012

"You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with." -Wayne Dyer

I have been single and alone for nearly four years. Let me be clearer: I have been completely celibate for that long. No kissing, no hugging, no dates, no sex, no masturbation.

People have very strong opinions about that. Even my closest friends question whether I'm OK. Are there issues with sex? Still hung up on some guy? And no matter what I say - there is always that tiny bit of distrust in accpeting my response. And that is when I see it. That thing that women will never admit but fear so very deeply. What if you end up ALONE?

Here is the thing of it. I may just do that. I may not live happily ever after. I may not ever have a man again.
And you know what? I am NOT going to die. Repeat after me: I will not die if I end up alone.  And neither will you.

I spoke to a friend on the phone tonight who prior to this conversation I believed to be strong, focused, driven, independent & relatively happy. Of course there were some things but that's just life. But tonight I received a few bizarre text messages from her and so I decided to call her to check on her. She was hysterical, her speech was slurred and she was firing off random craziness about a strange man she picked up, being "too beautiful" so men fall in love immediately and rambling on about how "fucked up life is" and on and on.

Listen. She was clearly in crisis. We talked. I tried to help as best I could. I listened to her fears and frustrations. I offered support and soothing words. But right in the middle of her rant she said it.
"I'm not like you Lori. I can't just be alone." An accusation. As though I am somehow lacking. 

I may not be out there going out on fancy dates every night, having men come over and scoop me up in sleek, fast cars. I might not get roses delivered to my office on Valentine's Day. There isn't anyone to do handyman type work on the house for me. Yes, I am alone. But I'm not dying or pathetic  or broken or putting myself in unsafe situations to have a warm body in the bed next to me. My life isn't somehow lacking because I haven't seen some dick in years and I am just about fed up with being looked at with pity or dread or judgement over it.

And if my words seem harsh or tinged with anger it is only because it isn't ME who you will find on the other end of the line drunk and ranting like a goddamned fool about some asshole using me to get off and leaving me alone in a bed somewhere. I am alone. I have a full life. I have friends. I have my children. I have 2 jobs. I volunteer in my community. I sing, I dance, I read and I write. I laugh. I don't NEED someone else to complete anything in me.

If that confuses you or scares you or just plain doesn't sit well - then maybe it is YOU who ought to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what is lacking. What is it in YOU that makes you feel incomplete because you "ain't got no man." I'm done being questioned over it. Yes, one day it would be nice to meet someone who is lovely and complements what I bring to the table. In the meantime, I'll just spread my books out all over it, put my wine glass (with no coaster!!) on it & maybe even prop my feet up on it.

I am not anti-man, anti-sex or anti-relationship. What I will not do though - is sell myself short and end up with some asshole who isn't deserving of me. I have high standards of a potential mate because I have high standards for myself.

This propaganda some women are still clinging to with needing some man; ANY man to feel complete is not acceptable and I for damn sure will not subscribe to it. Ladies, if you don't love you, if you don't hold yourself in the highest, most esteemed regard - no man ever will. And why should he? Go out there and find your most fulfilled life and then maybe an amazing partner will come your way. And if he doesn't, I promise you. You will not die, you will simply be alone.

I am alone. And that, is the best company I could be in.


  1. You're not lacking and don't let anyone make you feel that way. You are a beautiful, smart, funny woman. You don't need a man to prove that.

    1. Thank you so much for this. IT is truly appreciated. And; I agree. And I don't feel the need to prove it! :)

  2. Kudos to you my friend! I raise my wine glass to you. Men should compliment us not be the sole focus Of our existence. Society expects women to ”only” feel complete when you have a mate, that's what our Mother's, teachers and girlfriends tell us...”someday you'll grow up and meet the perfect man for you, your soulmate”. I say ”Poppycock”! I will raise my daughter to believe ”your prince may not come and rescue you on that white horse, but if you focus, Work hard and have a good credit rating you can buy your own white mustang and ride off into the sunset”. Xoxo

    1. Love, love, LOVE this Nickii!!! Thank you so much for it and for taking the time to read and comment. XOXO Mama!!

  3. An amazing life begins when you fall in love with yourself.. No one can shake that beautiful surface you stand on.. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or being alone.. I am always so proud of you Amiga... Love this post.. Keep on writing...

    It's Me.. The Cubanitabean.. :-)

    1. Lis!! Thank you X1,000,000! You are such an invaluable support to me. love and appreciate ya!

  4. Love you, Lori! I admire you for all that you are, all that you do. Allow me to make an analogy:

    Single women are not to be paired off like unmatched shoes.

    1. Ofelia - this analogy is EVERYTHING!! Thank you so much for reading and sharing. XOXO!!!

  5. I said this to you via Twitter but I want to say this again...

    To me the term 'alone' hardly fits you when you have a life that is so incredibly full.

    I don't see you as just alone at all! You live one of the fullest lives that I get to have a small view of via Twitter. The Lori I know is hardly alone or lonely or in need of anyone fulfilling anything for her in any manner.

    You seem to be living the life you want and you also don't seem to be for or against allowing romantic/sexual love into it - because from where I am it seems like you're completely balanced and fulfilled with the many things you do have in your life... if love happens it happens you're neither pushing it away or searching for it.

    But none of your friends should ever get it twisted Lori HAS love in her life. A lot of love. And a lot of respect and admiration from other people because Lori is LIVING A FULL LIFE! Plus, Lori has so many things she loves in her life that fulfill her work, play, daughters, friends, books, movies, great food + wine and the list goes on and on.

    Now, in defense of the friend that said the thing that might have come out wrong when she was in breakdown mode...

    She might have meant that she is not as strong as Lori to be able to build such a happy full life that doesn't include a romantic partner. Or maybe for her having a romantic partner is a very important need that surpasses having other non-romantic loves.

    We women cannot compare what we need/have/want/went through with what our friends need/have/want/went through... we are all so different and building lives that make us feel happy, loved and fulfilled require many different formulas and combinations.

    You are single and celibate but honey you are FAR from alone!

    I love you and the strength your life as an example gives me.

    1. I have read and re-read this comment over and over. First and foremost - I want to say thank you so very much. For taking the time to read and then for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully.

      It literally warmed my soul to see that my thoughts were read and so sincerely and deeply UNDERSTOOD. That makes such a huge impact on my desire to keep writing.

      Alone does not equal lonely. I DO live a very fulfilled life. Maybe one day there will be a partner in the mix as well. Maybe not. Either way, I am OK.

      Love ya to pieces for this comment. But mostly because you too are a strong, fierce, driven & talented woman living life on your terms - and fearlessly.

  6. I am single by choice right now. I need to date myself for awhile. I'm having fun.

    I think there are many of us out there. That's a good thing.